Girl can’t help it

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Silly little girl

Filled your world

You begin to unfurl

Let your feelings run away

But you knew he can’t stay

Thought you knew this by now

Yet you fallin’ somehow

Trippin’ over pretty words

Go ahead, take a bow

Mistakes here and there

A fatal love affair

Inhibition released by touch

Guess I smoked too much

Feel tricked but I got treats

Boy be making hot beats

See me runnin’ these streets

Tellin’ me I’m so sweet

Got this passion, it was heavy

But no hope of going steady

Life’s a game, so they say

And this is just foreplay

I feel like…

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I feel like a storm; rolling through the hills with thunderous booms & clashes of light.

I feel like a seesaw; the ups & downs, the weight moving me just an inch off the ground.

I feel like a banana; with a hint of green, ripe for eating but lacking flavor.

I feel like a question; that has no answer just rhetorical irony.

I feel like a candle; that can fill a room & burn for hours until my fire has no more wick.

I feel like a plant; needing trimmed so I can have the chance to regrow.

I feel like a little girl; with big dreams and a blank canvas to paint them on.

Summer of ’15

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It’s weird…making decisions. Deciding who you want to be. To make that a conscious process instead of autopilot. Because frankly, auto pilot is no good. 

Mistakes define us; they serve as pivotal moments where our response is everything–it’s a lesson, a truth, a defining moment. Without mistakes we would never learn anything… But there is the risk of it becoming a visible maar, a characteristic more permanent than ever meant. In ways I don’t realize my mistakes haunt & mentally block energy that keep me stagnant.

I value the past, maybe more than I should. I’m a lover of nostalgia & while it can render a vulnerbleness; I am earnest in my belief that carrying it alongside a fervent truth of will–my future will be met with gumption & heart. I’m ready to level up, take chances and chase some dreams.

Let’s do this.

A word on relationships…

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In the past two days, I’ve been approached by three friends with relationship woes seeking advice. At the heart of their very different situations I found one overarching theme–breakdown in communication. My conclusion is such:

  • 1. Remember that everyone shares differently. Some people prefer face-to-face contact, others texting or a phone call. There are those who are more passive-agressive and expect their loved one to read between the lines. Everyone grows up learning to express themselves differently. It requires patience, understanding & a willingness to try different approaches. Write a letter, set aside time to discuss any issues, make an effort to step outside your comfort zone in order to gain perspective. Sometimes the clearest message comes from simple actions.
  • 2. If a relationship is not working despite best efforts, be realistic about eachother. Sure, people can change bad habits, or try to appease their partner by working on issues–but at the end of the day there will be characteristics you must accept or walk away from. This is one of the hardest things to do, but most crucial. It won’t be a black & white moment. There will always be things you love about someone, but if the things you are struggling with are things down the road that will be an issue, it’s time to think about going your separate ways. 
  • 3.  Just because you are in love with someone, doesn’t mean they are the right person for you. At the basis of every great relationship, is a strong friendship. This can make the idea of a breakup seem unbearable, losing someone who was more than a lover. It’s comes down to realization that you aren’t right in the long run for eachother. I’ve always believed we are meant to have more than one soulmate. Different people come into our lives at just the right time. Someone might have been perfect throughout highschool, college, your first big-girl job, but when it comes time for you personally to move forward, they are something you have to leave behind. Change isn’t easy and being single has it’s moments, but with a little self discovery and reassessment of your goals; you’d be surprised how okay you will begin to feel. 

One nation, under white privilege with liberty and justice for some…

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I love black people. I have black family. I have black friends. I’m in love with a black man. I also have white privilege.

My heart aches with a pain I can only know so much; my white privilege has shielded me from prejudices, fears, anxiety, and suppression that I will never be able to fully grasp. There is always an excuse, a pardon, a glance the other way to the racial injustices this country is all too familiar–with white privilege keeping too many ignorantly bliss. Black Life Matters.

The visual, the physical…America has a real problem. No one can see past stereotypes, airbrushed beauty or lack thereof, hyper-sexualization, gender, pigmentation, sexual preference, hair color, body size… What happened to, “You can’t judge a book by its’ cover?”

All life matters. All life is sacred. The hate in this world, the fear of different, of the unknown, the unfamiliar–what if this was greeted with acceptance instead of assumptions. What if the world could be a fair place? What do we do as a nation when we can’t seem to find a solution?

I find myself mourning, praying…writing in hopes of finding the answer. Thousands upon thousands are peacefully protesting–the light is there and where there is light, I know there is hope.

No two people are the same. Everyone has their own experiences, environment, family, preferences, opinions–it’s what makes us as a species so damn special. Hell, we praise, adore, celebritize to place on a pedestal those who we deem special enough. Are there generalizations that can be made about groups of people based on a variety of attributes? Sure. Is that in any way a solid basis for the treatment of others? Absolutely not.

The world is a scary place. Officers put their lives on the line and can be in life threatening situations, this I cannot contest. The human race is flawed…which is why the system does not work. How many innocent lives must be lost, both cops and civilians alike, before we stop pointing fingers and start implanting a real change of heart? How many racially charged incidents have to end in death before some real consequences are established?

Black life matters to me

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I’m not black and will never be able to identify with that experience, but I have encountered first hand plenty of ignorant people who continue to use their ignorance as an excuse to pardon their racist comments and actions. This must stop.

I’ve been told my love of a beautiful black man is “jungle fever”–seriously what is meant by that? Do people ever take a moment to hear themselves and what comes out of their mouth?

I’m attracted to intelligence; a motivated man with integrity that shows me respect and can make me laugh. If they happen to be black, awesome. And if I happen to date a series of black men, it’s not a trend or a fetish…it’s how my life is unfolding.

“Well, I have black friends.” Congratulations, aren’t you such a little citizen of the world… Just because you have people who are either unaware of your racist side comments or choose not to address the problem, does not give you the right to say discriminatory shit.

Let me guess–you’re just joking? Well your jokes set back civil rights and propels a mentality that is crippling to a race that has been unspeakably opressed. Learn your history. If you feel comfortable saying such things, what does that really say about your own character? Your beliefs?

Whatever stereotypes, preconceived notions, or other ingrained racism we encounter, it can’t be greeted with complacency. Educate bigotry, do not encourage or allow it. I refuse to accept a world where such blatant, ignorant hate is brushed aside because people are too uncomfortable to have a conversation or think it’s alright to have racist ideologies.

The even bigger responsibility comes down to the fact that our words hold power and it’s time to take ownership. No more careless jokes, off color comments, or straight up racist bullshit. This is the land of the free and while that does permit certain freedoms, don’t make a mockery of something thousands have died fighting for and defending by belittling your fellow man. Regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion–all men were created equal; let’s start acting like it.

Gypsy Love

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We met when I was a baby, only 19
Running around with a fake ID
My mantra was live care free & reckless
Every night in a different sundress 
That night we made out, a twisted allegory
For a question mark saved, became a funny story
One day we got down, passion was heavy
Kept it going for awhile, coulda been going steady 
Not one to be tied down, so I kept it moving 
Altho many times I regret not proving
Why I was a girl worth playing for keeps
But I was young n scared to take big leaps
Then one day it became so clear
You were the guy I longed to be near 
Your style, that smile, and gypsy eyes
Made me wanna be a girl u considered a prize
Not because I thought I needed to change
But to match your power and change the game
You’re guarded with walls of immense height
And I’m stubborn enough to try and fight
My way into your circle and gain trust 
I know I might fail, this may only be lust
But one thing I know for certain is how I feel
Something I’ve struggled to conceal
So fuck it, here it is, layed out on the table
I like you, I want you, a love left unlabeled